Parents are a child’s first teachers, yet they often—under the guise of "doing it for your own good"—force their children to do many things.
In reality, young children follow their own developmental stages. The best approach is to allow them to grow naturally rather than trying to "force growth" (like pulling on seedlings to make them grow faster). Especially before a child turns six, there are four things parents should strictly avoid forcing them to do.
1. Don’t force your child to sleep in a separate room.
Claims like "the earlier a child sleeps alone, the more independent they become," or "you must separate sleeping arrangements early, otherwise the child might experience precocious puberty"—these are all misleading.
In fact, no research suggests that a child’s independence is gained by sleeping apart from their parents. On the contrary, forcing a child to sleep alone can undermine their sense of security and actually make them *more* clingy.
At what age *should* a child start sleeping in their own room? There is no standard answer. Every child develops at their own unique physiological and psychological pace; using a specific age as a rigid cutoff for sleeping arrangements is neither scientific nor reasonable.
Generally speaking, it is not considered "too late" even if a child hasn't moved into their own room by age 10. Furthermore, children who sleep with their parents when they are young often grow up to be *more* independent. This is because the sense of security they gain at night—nestled close to their parents—equips them to better handle stress and challenges during the day.
2. Don’t force your child to apologize.
When a child does something wrong, never force them to apologize. Young children do not truly grasp the meaning of saying "I’m sorry." Compelling them to utter these words repeatedly may simply teach them to use apologies as a habitual way to evade responsibility later in life. A wise mother encourages her child to apologize through concrete actions. If a child bumps into someone, instead of saying, "You knocked your little brother over—go say sorry right now," it is better to say, "Your little brother fell because you bumped into him; he must be in a lot of pain. Go give him a hug and comfort him."
If a child makes a mess all over the table while eating out, instead of saying, "Look at what you’ve done—you’ve made a mess everywhere and created extra work for the server," try saying, "Here are some napkins; please clean it up yourself."
An apology reflects one’s attitude, while action serves as restitution. Parents should guide their children to demonstrate their remorse through tangible deeds.
III. Don’t Force Your Child to Learn Too Much
Constantly pressuring a child to learn can lead to more serious problems later in life. First, the child may lack a sense of gratitude, believing that any success they achieve is solely due to their own efforts. Second, they may struggle with social development and find it difficult to resolve their own psychological distress.
Many elementary school teachers have noted that students who perform reasonably well upon entering school often see their grades decline by the third grade. A major reason for this is that, before starting school, these children were often made to memorize vast amounts of information by rote, without truly grasping fundamental concepts or learning how to apply them.
Psychologist Jean Piaget posited that children under the age of four are primarily in a stage of "concrete/imagistic" thinking. Before the age of six, it is far more important to align with the natural developmental trajectory of a child’s thinking than to overload them with excessive academic knowledge or mathematics.
Parents should incorporate numbers and math into everyday life, using familiar, real-world objects to help children grasp abstract figures and symbols. This approach is much more effective at sparking a child’s genuine enthusiasm and interest in learning.
IV. Don’t Force Your Child to Be "Sensible"
Children who are forced to be "sensible" (mature beyond their years) are the most heartbreaking of all. When speaking about her son, Dong Mingzhu’s voice choked with emotion. She described him as an exceptionally sensible child, recalling how, upon returning home in the evening, she would "pull back the covers and find him crying"—moments that pained her deeply.
When a child is "too sensible," it often comes at the cost of their natural instincts and the innocence of childhood. Such children frequently lose their sense of self in their interactions with others; over time, they may become lost in self-repression—constantly accommodating and seeking to please, spending their lives craving external validation, and ultimately forfeiting both their self-confidence and the ability to say "no."
Parents should act as a "container," embracing their children in all circumstances. Rather than obsessing over every minor detail or striving for perfection, parents should have the courage to step back and let their children act—without fearing that they might make mistakes. Encourage children to express their own opinions and ideas, seek to understand their needs, and show respect for their feelings.
A Final Thought
Parents must learn to provide their children with love and a sense of security, investing both time and patience. Nurtured by love, a child will naturally develop inner strength.
Parents should cease constant interference and relentless pressure, allowing their children to grow in their own natural way. Offering a helping hand only when truly necessary—that is the hallmark of a capable and responsible parent.
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